Who am I?

130320 Funky specsOne of the things I say quite a lot to my other half, usually with a pained expression on my face is, “Why can’t people just be NICE to each other?”

It seems freaking obvious to me that if people were just nice – supportive, friendly, helpful, call it whatever you like, we’d all be much happier. It makes sense in the plus-size world too. It’s a fat-phobic world we live in. I mean, don’t people know that the more you insult, belittle and hurt a fat girl, the more likely she is to find herself in the kitchen with her hand in the biscuit tin?

Have any of you fat girls out there EVER reacted to a nasty comment by thinking “I didn’t realise I was fat. I’d better go on a diet and I’ll start right now. Thank you forΒ  shouting insults at me from the safety of your car”

FYI that happened to me once. Years ago when I was much smaller. I actually cried all the way home and yes, I ate my way through all the carbs in the kitchen when I got there.

Nobody ever lost weight because they hated themself, which is what appals me about some of the crap I read online about fat people and obesity. Never mind that yeah, we can be just as healthy as you are (try telling the personal trainer who took me around the gym last week that I’m unfit, I reckon I surprised him too) but it’s the hatred that knocks me flat some days.

I think that’s why I find it hard to blog sometimes. It’s like I’m setting myself up to be knocked back down again. Why am I scared to let people see the real me? I read a lot about my ‘Authentic self’ and how being ‘authentic’ is the way forward. People whose blogs I love are out there, honest and raw, sometimes sad, sometimes fruit-loopy cheerful and sometimes I don’t actually agree with what they say but I sure as hell love to read them saying it.

I’m scared people won’t play nice if I’m raw and honest. I talk the talk and don’t walk it – I blog about diets being bullsh*t and then I diet and no, it doesn’t work. I tell you all that fat girls are awesome – but I don’t always think that I’m awesome myself. Hell, I have my awesome moments but I could probably do with some work in the chutzpah department.

How can I expect anyone to connect with me if I don’t let you see my true personality? My rainbow of moods, my hopping from one idea to another, my love of fashion and sparkly things, my spiritual side, my grumpy arse ‘who ate the last bag of marmite crisps’ side? I can sit here and type words about fashion, about bloggers I love, about how much our fat-phobic, misogynist society pisses me off sometimes…but if I don’t do it as ME then how will you know I didn’t just take the blog post from another plus-size positive blog and copy it into my own blog? And if I censor myself so that I don’t offend people I know in the plus size world, my friends, or even my mum, who HATES it when I swear in blog posts, then am I just putting on a front?

Existential questions hey? This is my full-fat stream of consciousness blog post, I’m fully aware it’s just flitted from subject to subject but from now on, I have to be real. No more image, no more carefully-constructed message posts, this is me. I’m fat, I’m feisty, sometimes I’m grumpy, mostly I like myself but secretly I wish I was slimmer because my knees hurt a bit, I get reflux and I hate having to buy all my clothes online. I don’t eat that well. I don’t like exercising in the winter (I like it a bit more when the sun comes out but in the winter it takes a LOT to get me to that gym.) I can’t drive – I wish I could but I failed three tests and now I’m so scared of driving that I don’t think I’ll ever take another one.

D’you want to know more about me, who I am, what I look like and how I think? Or do you think I should stick to decontructing media stories and posting things about all the other plus-size bloggers I secretly wish I was?

Honestly….

PS: The funky sunnies are from Urban Outfitters and cost Β£20 – if you love them like I do you can find them here

PPS: I’m already worrying that you’ll all think I’m slef-obsessed. Ah sod it. Here goes. *post*

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22 Comments

Filed under Food and diets, General, Lifestyle

22 responses to “Who am I?

  1. I absolutely LOVE this post! *HUGE HUGS* xx

  2. Plus I equally love the sassy photo!

  3. Keep it real girly, every time – your readers will connect with you much more if you’re you xx

  4. Hi Sarah the first flaw is I’m not a fat girl (one out of two ain’t bad) I have learnt many things along my journey the most important one is to love,be true and honest to yourself. I still have up and down days I struggle with life sometimes, I even hate myself on a really bad day but I always know tomorrow or the next day will be better, I will do something that makes me feel good, more importantly there is a great support network for us to call on. The people that count will not knock you down the people who do you do not need.

    Be Raw Be Honest Be True to Yourself I look forward to meeting the real Sarah.

    PS Its not cold in the gym

    • Not being a fat girl isn’t a flaw – if you were a fat girl I’d say the name darin might be a bit of a hurdle πŸ˜‰ You’ve done so amazingly well with Slimpods and whatever to get where you are and I totally admire you for all that. Your journey has been amazing and it’s not surprising you’ve had a few blips on the way. I struggle with the ‘love yourself 100%’ mantra because, sod it, I’m only human!!! The real Sarah has been there all along, I’ve just been dressing her up in an acceptable way a bit more than I should. πŸ™‚ Thanks so much for your comment x

  5. I think that’s the point I still struggle with the “love yourself mantra” for the same reason, Just wanted you to know that.

    • I guess we’re fed with the idea we SHOULD dislike ourselves all the time and actually approving of ourselves as we are is harder than going with the flow? It’s not just fat people, there’s a reason for all of us to feel that we’re not good enough, and we could all tie ourselves in knots with self hatred if we took it all in…shame really. Keep fighting it!

    • Oh and no, it’s not cold at the gym. but it IS cold at the bus stop, waiting for the bus to take me into the town centre, and it’s cold walking the 20 minutes from town to the leisure centre too…Brrrr!

  6. This post is so awesome. I absolutely love the raw, real you! And I find that others like to read blogs that are sometimes stream-of-consciousness, personal, even dark at times. It’s all about the balance and I think you’re well on your way.

  7. Melanie Bowen

    Hello,

    I have a question about your blog, could you please email me? Thanks!!

    Melanie

  8. I love this post, Sarah. It’s hard to be totally open and honest, but I honestly think it makes all the difference (I’m trying to do the same and worry less about what people think of me). Go for it, I say. πŸ™‚

  9. Thanks – I just did on the latest post! I suppose we’re all guilty of trying to be who we think people want us to be, but I’m making a real effort now to just be me. If people don’t like it…well I can’t help that! PS: I love your blogs. T

  10. Sarah, this is my favourite post you’ve ever written – you made me smile, you touched my heart, I felt like I really got to know you a little more. Honest, raw, real is FABULOUS! Oh, and by the way…I passed my driving test 4th time. Just a thought πŸ˜€ x

    • Thanks so much πŸ™‚ Just working up to the next one…gotta be a big brave girl πŸ™‚

      • The thing to do is find the right driving instructor. My first instructor was an idiot and put me in for my test before I was ready. The second one was ok, but I failed tests 2 and 3 on silly things. My 3rd instructor was a friend of my dad’s, a lovely guy – fun, easy-going, never treated me like an idiot for being nervous, built my confidence and taught me to drive (not just to pass my test). On test day I was confident that I could drive for the first time. If you want to drive, find the right person to help you get your confidence back! xxx

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