Numb

small version green dress

‘Princess Fiona’

Numb. That’s the word I used to describe my life from 2007-2008. A constant state of ‘Meh’ about life, love and weight loss.

It wasn’t all bad, I’d put in for voluntary redundancy and got it, planning to set up my own business as a copywriter. I had to work for six months after they relocated my communications post to Liverpool, doing absolutely nothing of any interest or value, but I discovered Facebook and did a lot of research in that time!

I didn’t have a lot of confidence back then, Husband #2 and ‘L’ had conspired to convince me I was dyspraxic and would walk behind me sniggering at the way I walked. I remember comments from L about things I wore, like, “Where did you get those shoes? They’re….interesting” and from H#2 “Why don’t you get your hair cut at ‘L’s hairdresser?”

I felt as if I was being watched. All the time.

Getting a bit of attention…

Back in the office, my work buddy was applying for jobs all over the country. We were hanging out a lot together but I was completely oblivious to the fact he fancied me. I mean, why would he? We went out to celebrate my birthday one Friday afternoon, got drunk in a pub in Cambridge and had the best laugh. The next day, I was on my way to Brighton on my birthday with H#2, on a trip I’d organised myself, and my mobile beeped. “Happy Birthday Gorgeous!”

Oh crap. It was my mate. I blushed, replied “Thanks sweetie” and deleted it, just in case. I didn’t think H#2 ever checked my phone but I wasn’t taking any chances.

I never said any more about the incident and put it down to my mate being friendly. Then, after a lunchtime bitching session, he emailed me something really cheeky, which really DID make me blush, and I couldn’t look at him. I replied telling him to behave himself, and laughed it off. but I secretly liked it. I had been compliment-starved for ages!

H#2 and I moved to Ely in 2007 and it was the week we moved that my mate left the office to take a job hundreds of miles away. By now, he’d admitted he fancied me and was plying me with compliments over MSN and text when H#2 was working away. He knew I wasn’t up for anything, and it was all playful – but it did put a spring in my step. I did invite him to see the new place (while H#2 was there) and as a result got accused of having an affair with him. Truth was, it would have been ideal if I had felt the same way, and if he wasn’t moving miles away, but I only ever saw him as a good friend and nothing ever happened. So off he went and I was back to normal again. We kept in touch but work was miserable without my bitching companion and I couldn’t wait to leave.

I stPlus Size Divaarted ‘Fat Girls are Fab Too‘ a plus size blog, much to H#2 and L’s disgust. I thought it was great fun. I just wanted to make a difference, in my own little way.

I set up the copy writing business in 2007. It was slow at first but I had the money from my redundancy to fall back on. My brother AND sister both got married in 2007, so I got to be a bridesmaid and wear a posh frock. I thought I looked like Princess Fiona in my green bridesmaids dress, but my Mum thought I looked lovely. H#2 grudgingly came to both weddings, although only because L&P were invited.

At my brother’s wedding I’d managed to lose a bit of weight and wore a gorgeous purple dress…which I tucked into my knickers while in the loo at Costa Coffee in Ipswich before the reception, and stood in Ipswich town centre with my arse hanging out. Not such a good look…

Anyway, at the start of 2008 I knew I had to do something. H#2 had said we’d talk about kids again when we moved, but changed the subject every time I brought it up. In early 2008 the excuse was that we couldn’t have kids as we were renting our house. I put him on the spot – were we ever going to do it? He said he didn’t want kids, he’d made up his mind, and that was that. My biological clock was ticking so damn hard you could have heard it in the next county so that was a huge blow to me. On top of that, I found out that our plans for emigrating to Canada had been scuppered…and he hadn’t told me. He’d applied for a transfer and his manager was helping him find a job in Calgary, but it all went very quiet. He lied and told me that there were no jobs when he’d actually withdrawn his application without telling me because L&P wouldn’t be able to come. I found this out when L told me and I was so angry I turned the air in the car blue.

I was listening to seriously grumpy music ALL the time. Like this:

and this:

All the stress meant I was putting on weight again, too. It had to get better, didn’t it?

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2 Comments

Filed under General, My weight story, Uncategorized

2 responses to “Numb

  1. I think you looked gorgeous in that green dress. In fact, I think you are just gorgeous. Fat girls are definitely fab too! From a fellow fat girl x

  2. Aww you’re lovely! Yes, fat girls are awesome, as are slim girls, tall girls, short girls, pierced girls, tattooed girls…oh, and boys too. If there was more acceptance in the world it would be such a lovely place to live…

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