So, after procrastinating like a pro, I decided it was about time I got down to what’s been happening with me, body, diet and self-esteem wise in the last few years. I just put it off because, well, I didn’t want to write all the gory details about what happened with me and H#2. It was a bit crap, really.
I could compile you all a list of why we called it a day, but it wouldn’t really be relevant to the whole ‘how I really got to be the size and the person I am’ story, so you know what, I’m just going to gloss over most of the unpleasantness and tell you about ONE incident that says it all. I was shopping in Ely one day, looking for something new to wear, when I found myself in Dotty P’s looking at tops. I saw a lovely, brightly patterned top, held it up against me and thought it might be perfect. It was in my size and price range. Excellent!
Then I put it down. With a sigh, I remember thinking to myself, “I can’t buy this. L and H#2 will hate it.”
I just couldn’t bear the thought of going out in it and knowing they were bitching about it behind my back. That’s how little confidence I had back then. Pathetic, huh?
I was poorly for a lot of the first half of 2008, my body was clearly trying to tell me something again. I had a cough that lasted two months, which resulted in a cracked rib (yes, really) and industrial doses of diclofenac. I was supposed to be training for my first ever Race for Life, and didn’t manage to do ANYTHING past about March. “You’re going to drop out, aren’t you?” H#2 sneered one day, “You never stick at anything!” Well, I’ll tell you what, I forced myself to run that race and I have the pictures to prove it. So I posted one here.
In early 2008 I’d been asked to do a photo shoot at The Mirror. It was a complete disaster. Not only did I turn up bare-faced expecting a makeover and find out that there was nobody to do my make up and hair, but I was photographed with a teeny tiny blonde model who had her own fitness company. Unfair advantage? I think so. The terrible two were unimpressed by my putting myself out there to be judged. They weren’t impressed with my first commission for Slim at Home, either, and along with P spent about 20 minutes slagging the front cover image of Natalie Cassidy off, glanced at my article briefly and then started talking about something else.
After a bitch of a holiday in July which I’d already decided was make or break, it broke. I stayed with my parents for two weeks for a ‘trial separation’ and the relief was so immediate and immense that there was no way I was going to go back to living in that situation again. I felt free!
The decision to split from H#2 had an almost immediate effect on my weight and eating. I just stopped eating! I completely lost my appetite. I’d been up to my highest weight ever because I’d not exercised in about three months. I was probably close to 19 stone when I started working with a personal trainer at a gym in Ely. I’d enjoyed the sessions a lot, he was really motivating and I was a lot fitter than he’d expected…on top of that we were doing boxing sessions so it was amazing for my stress levels.
My diet was mainly wine-based from late July 2008 through to early September, when I went on a desperately-needed trip to see my lovely brother and his husband in Australia. Mum and Dad came with me, and it was a lovely time. My appetite did come back, although I wasn’t remotely bothered with overeating, the stress of organising a flat and a house move, plus changing all my business details and saying goodbye to people just cancelled out my food addiction for ages. Plus, my confidence was starting to seep back through, with the help of all the lovely family and friends who could see I was in a complete mess and just needed telling how lovely I was for a bit.
You find out who your friends are when you’re in a mess like that.
Anyway, by the time I had flown back from Australia, packed everything I owned into a van and gone back to Ipswich (I flew for 22 hours, got home early Thursday morning, packed Friday and Saturday, went back to Ipswich on Sunday and moved into my new flat the following Monday) I was exhausted, stressed, sad, relieved and excited all at once. Oh, and I’d lost about a stone and a half and was TOTALLY determined to get my head into The Food Philosophy and sort my eating habits out once and for all.