Tag Archives: fat girl blog

Wedding Belle

Smiling couple

From my experience, weddings bring out the diet head in most fat women, no matter how hard they try to block it out. It’s a nightmare scenario when you’re trying to avoid diets and weight loss advice; not only do you have to deal with finding the dress, you have the prospect of having pictures taken that you can’t avoid being in, and a room full of relatives who might not have seen you for a long time.

I can honestly say that I don’t know if I gained or lost any weight between getting engaged and getting married. I can say that the dress was the difficult bit. not because I was fretting over my size or anything, but because unless you’re lucky enough to be able to afford someone to make something just for you, you have to negotiate the minefield that is trying to work out whether a fabulous outfit modelled on a size 10 wisp of a thing will look remotely like that when you order it online. Of course, there are plus size wedding shops; Simply Be does a plus size range but they are all white and if you’ve read Gorgeously Full Fat the book, you’ll know a white dress probably isn’t appropriate!

There are also wedding dress shops, and wedding dressmakers, queuing up to make that perfect gown. They are very expensive though, and they class anything over a size 14 as plus-size (or at least they used to) so again, you’re stuck with the dilemma of trying to work out how a dress displayed in a small size will look on an ample bride.

What did I do? I went online and bought an ‘occasion’ dress off the peg instead. It was lovely on, and I could send it back it if had turned out to be too big – a luxury I didn’t have with the dresses ordered online and made to measure. Thankfully, mine fitted.

I was, I’ll admit, tempted by the diet on a few occasions last year. I put on weight when I was mainlining Cadburys chocolate when dad was in hospital, and it took me a while to rein myself back in and stop overeating junk food when I couldn’t be arsed to cook, and drinking wine till my head buzzed. I stopped, but I knew I was a bit bigger. I opted to walk a bit more and swim a bit, but even the I somehow resisted the diet.

Anyway, I put thoughts about photographs to the back of my mind, and showed up with a very big smile on my face on Friday 3rd January. And you know what? The dress looked lovely. I had the best time ever. I played up to the camera, grinning like a loon and hugging Moley, and I didn’t give a stuff about how I looked on camera. The only comments I’ve had about how I looked are “You looked so happy.”

So, if you’re a chubby girl (or man) and you’re starting to feel the pull of the diet, don’t believe the hype. You’ll be just as happy if you get hitched JUST AS YOU ARE as you would if you’d starved yourself for months, and what’s more, the time you spend building up to the big day will be full of fun stuff and excitement instead of self-denial and wishing you looked different.

Remember: your beloved wants to marry you as you are, not just a thinner version of you!

Oh and PS: I got my wish; Dad was there to walk me down the aisle …

Signing1

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Resolutions? Sod that. Happy 2014!

book2014

I was going to post something about plans for 2014, but you know what? Nah.

I don’t make resolutions any more. There’s no point. I’m still the same person on 1st January as I was on 31st December. As I don’t do the diet thing any more, there’s no ceremonial throwing out of the Christmas stash, which is just as well as I was a lucky girl and managed to get about 2.5 kilos of chocolate given to me at Christmas, which even with my legendary chocolate demolishing abilities would be hard to eat in the space of a week.

I have been thinking that I want to do more with this blog mind you. I think that because my tell it how it is, warts and all posts went down so well, and in fact I got the book written off the back of them, people must like them, so I’ll do more of those. I also want to open the blog theme up a bit and not just write about the fat positive side of things, but embrace the positive in everything. It’s OK to be whoever and whatever you are, in my book. If you are happy and fat, all power to you. If you’re skinny – I love you too. If you’re anything in between, it’s all good. Just be happy, be positive, be the best YOU that you can, because gorgeous people, you will never ever be happy trying to be someone else.

I feel very positive about 2014. I know I’ve got some tough times ahead but I can deal with them. I’m getting married in a few days, I have plans for the blog, the business and another book, and with Moley on my side, I reckon it’s all going to work out just fine.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

(and a classic Abba tune for you)

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Party!

Meet Cheryl Underhill, today’s guest blogger. She sent me this great article about having fun and partying despite all the accepted wisdom that fat people prefer to stay in unnoticed, and I just had to share it,.

cheryl
“Have you ever felt so ashamed of yourself and the way you look that you can’t bear to go outside? Family events are missed; friends’ invites are ignored, pleas for you to attend social gatherings are refused. Invitations of any description are met with a sense of dread, as immediately you start to picture the clothes in your wardrobe, knowing that no matter what you do in the next 2 weeks, you’ll never be able to fit back into that dress that used to cover your belly, or squeeze into those jeans that make your bum look smaller.

“It’s no good, you don’t want to embarrass whichever of your friends is celebrating after all, you know that they don’t really want to spend time with their friends, they want to spend time with their thin, well dressed friends. Have you ever felt like you just don’t want to leave the house because you’re simply just too fat?!

No – me neither!

“I am definitely fat. Let’s not skirt around the issue trying hard to find a word that won’t offend, I suppose if the word fat makes you feel uncomfortable you could describe me and ‘plump’, ‘a bigger lady’, or maybe even just ‘bubbly’.

“Whatever word you use, it won’t change the fact that I am fat. I am fat and I have never ever once felt ashamed or like I can’t go outside because of that. Admittedly I am currently trying to get healthy  for medical reasons  (which will inevitably mean losing some weight), but recently I have begun to get so pissed off with the number of TV adverts, articles and celebrities that tell all of us (not even just overweight people), that if we get super skinny, life will be amazing and we’ll stop feeling rubbish and will want to go out and socialise more.

“Adverts for weight loss programs are the worst, normally ex-customers tell us how fabulous they feel after they’ve dropped 2 dress sizes, now they can go to that Christmas party – meaning before they would have had to stay at home with their cats? These adverts are full of women who in their before photo have no makeup on, messy hair, baggy clothes and a face that looks like someone has just pissed on their shoes, whilst the wonderful ‘after diet’ shots are the same women done up in a well fitted outfit.

“Now if you’ve used one of the many many weight loss group meeting type programmes and that has worked for you – well done, I’m very happy for you and I wish you well with your goals, but please stop taking over my TV telling me how hard you found it to go out when you were fat and how you missed so many parties… I resent the idea that if I were to wake up tomorrow having miraculously lost 3 stone somehow I’d become a totally different person, I can confidently say it wouldn’t change who I am, just how other people see me.

“I’m fat, I’m sociable and I LOVE to party!

“For me there is one thing that I always wear when I go to a party – a smile and a little bit of confidence.
I’ll leave you with this: a lovely male friend recently said to me. “You know, with a smile like yours, you could have any man in this room. Men love a confident woman.”

“So come on my chubby, bubbly, bigger friends. This festive season; please don’t let those adverts get you down. Stick on a party dress, dig out those heels, paint on a bright lippy and plaster on that smile! You are beautiful inside and out – and anyone who really matters will know that anyway.”

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My Diet Head is Hurty

lady-eating-chocolate

I’ve started this post so many times now that sod it, I’m just going to write it as it comes and see what happens. Honesty and all that..

My diet head is screaming at me right now. All day yesterday it was telling me I was a fat cow and should go on a diet. I even had the old Slimming World recipe books out. My clothes are getting tight, the walking routine has been filed under ‘when I get around to it’ and the chances that I’ll do the marathon in September are remote because my walking buddy has dropped out and you know what else? I can’t be arsed to think about it. Or getting there. Or training. Or booking a hotel for the night.

Thank the Lord for leggings at the moment. For weeks I’ve been telling myself I should look after my body, I have to stay strong and not get poorly. People need me. But then I get home, stuff down entire bars of Dairy Milk with jelly beans in and knock back Pinot Grigio. Then I get horrible IBS and reflux and kick myself for doing it, but it’s like I don’t really care.

That’s why I’ve been offline with the fat girl blog. I haven’t been in the mood for it, I’ve not been feeling positive and I haven’t had time. This weekend has been the first one in as long as I can remember that I haven’t been in Ipswich for at least part of it, seeing my dad in hospital or at home. I feel as if I want to be around my family all the time but I also want to be with Moley, who’s being a complete and utter star and so, so supportive when I’m being a bitch, eating like a pig, or can’t be arsed to cook tea yet again.

Still, I have to get my head back on straight and I’m going to use this weekend to do it. I’m studying books on Emotional Freedom Technique, and I’ve been having sessions with Cara Wilde who has succeeded in breaking my addiction to Marmite crisps! I’m coming to a lot of conclusions about myself – one of the reasons I hate doing any kind of fitness or healthy eating routine is that I bloody hate being told what to do. I always know better! Oops. That’s why I really am better off self-employed.

There are some great EFT resources if you fancy trying it, I’m reading EFT for Weight Loss at the moment and there are a lot of helpful videos, plus Cara’s own page has some good links. I want to do some of the work in the book on cravings and reasons for overeating, but guess what…until now I haven’t had the time!

I’m trying to ignore the snarky ‘fat cow’ voice in my head, although as I dive head first into a bag of Kettle Chips that’s proving difficult. But I need to stay on top of things. I need to be positive and I owe it to myself, and everyone in my family, to make every day count. I guess the thought of losing someone dear to you makes you realise that….

I’ll be back when I can with another update and more of the life story…

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Getting fatter and going on every diet known to woman

fat

The next few years were a bit dull, really.

I slowly gained weight, and went on even more diets. The most exciting thing that happened to me in 2003 was probably RSI. I had seven months off work and was bored witless, but I did manage to find a very cute osteopath (I never told Husband #2 he was cute, he probably would have stopped me going) and I also trained in Reiki Level 2 that year. I took two more courses, one in Paralegal Vocational Studies and one in Freelance Writing. I’m not good at being bored, am I?

I eat too much when I’m bored, and 2003 was a very bad year for eating too much. I tried Pilates at the local gym and I joined the gym to use the machines but it was a long walk up to the sports centre and my determination to lose weight while I was on sick leave didn’t last very long.

I did also discover the new Weight Watchers points system where you bought scales, a calculator, books and went to classes every week just to find out that stuff you liked eating had loads of calories in it. Really? No shit, Sherlock. I probably only went to class a few times to get the paraphernalia and after that did it online. Online slimming clubs were a nightmare for my finances. Weight Watchers were the first to do it so I stuck with them most of 2003-4. Not only that, but L wanted to do Weight Watchers and so that meant H#2 wanted to do it, and P would be doing it to. It seemed kinda rude not to, to be honest. We used to meet up to do our Tesco shop together (yes, we really did) and L would follow me around asking how many Points were in everything. Shopping took a LONG time back in those days.

I had brief flirtations with Rosemary Conley and a few attempts at Slimming World, but none of them lasted very long really.

In 2004 H#2 changed jobs. Or rather he was made redundant from a job, who paid him a nice amount of redundancy money then took him back when the company was bought out by another firm a month later, and gave him a new job. The job meant he was expected to drive around all over the place and be away from home a lot. On the one hand this was a GOOD thing because he was getting on my nerves a bit, but on the other hand it meant I was going to have an absolute ‘mare getting to work and back. I decided to put up a notice in the staff kitchen at work about lift sharing. Within hours I’d had an offer from someone I didn’t work with directly but knew reasonably well. He lived in Ely so it was out of his way, but he didn’t seem to mind.

He turned into my best work mate – Katie had moved on. He was single and used to tell me about all the rubbish dates he’d been on, and we would bitch about people at work and gossip like a couple of old women. He and I were both crap first thing in the morning so we kind of made a pact not to really talk much on the way into work, but we made up for it on our lunch breaks at the pub.

Me Daphne and AnitaH#2 never really said anything about my work buddy back then, probably because he knew that I needed a lift to work. He couldn’t possibly think that anyone would fancy his fat girlfriend! So by the end of 2004, I’d failed two driving tests, been passed over for a promotion and my fiance was working away a lot. I hated Soham, rarely saw my family and was getting fatter all the time. I think I was heading towards 15 stone, that mythical cut-off point in my head where I’d become unlovable.  But at least we got around to setting the wedding date…we were talking with L&P about going to Canada with them in 2005, but H#1 said we couldn’t afford to get married if we were saving up for a holiday. I suspect he was probably looking for an excuse not to get married, but L came up with the idea of getting married in Canada in December 2005. Well, if L thought it was a good idea, it must be a good idea. We set a date for 23rd December 2005 and I went straight into wedding dress panic…again.

One more year and I would actually start to battle my way out of the constant diet cycle, but it was probably my worst diet year EVER.

 

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Naughty Forty

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FROM FEBRUARY 2011…

Well, I finally did some soul searching at the weekend, and came up with the forty things I want to do in the next decade. My naughty forty list, if you will! I just sat and brainstormed loads of ideas, places I’ve always wanted to see, things I’ve always fancied doing. It put me in a really good mood, actually, coming up with my wish list. If you’re feeling a bit dejected or need a boost, create a life list, a fun to-do list (nothing like ‘must lose two stone’ or ‘pay off credit cards’ allowed…this is no time for being sensible!)

Then, when you feel like you need a boost, cross something off your list! Even if it’s a book you’ve always meant to get around to reading, or a film you missed at the cinema and really meant to watch.

Manifesto

Some of these are little things that probably won’t take too much planning, but some are a bit more ambitious. Some will take me longer – learning Italian and learning to meditate doesn’t happen overnight but it’s something I’ve always meant to do and never quite managed. Putting it down in writing kind of makes it official. It’s the official Sarah Manifesto for the next decade.

It also made me smile when I decided to write a list of all the things I’d done in the last decade…not big scary things like moving house about a zillion times, getting married and then divorced or that kind of thing. But big amazing things like taking the steps to start Relentlessly Positive in 2006; going it alone and becoming freelance; going husky sledding in the Canadian Rockies; feeding tame kangaroos; flying to Australia alone; learning Reiki; trying loads of complementary therapies; going to Champney’s spa at Tring and getting drunk there! (Remember that, Katie?)

Without further ado….here’s the full list: These are the official ones! In the order I thought of them…

1. Learn to speak Italian
2. Go back to Verona
3. Learn to meditate
4. Try belly dancing
5. Get to grips with my hula hoop
6. Bake a cake…properly!
7. See the Northern Lights
8. Go to NYC
9. Dye my hair either red or purple. Or stripes.
10. Sing karaoke in public
11. See the Rocky Horror (I actually have never seen it)
12. Go to a proper fashion show
13. Swim 50 lengths of the local pool
14. Do some Reiki every day
15. Write a book
16. Laern to play chess properly again
17. Go to Edinburgh for Hogmanay
18. Skinny dip in the sea (but not the North Sea)
19. Have my photo taken with someone famous
20. Have my belly button pierced (need a flatter tummy for that one!)
21. Grow a little lavender/herb garden
22.Have a Come Dine With Me week!
23. Stay in an Ice Hotel
24. Go to Iceland (not the Kerry Katona Iceland)
25. Run a marathon
26. Spend a whole weekend or more in London, doing all the tourist things I haven’t done because they’re ‘so touristy’
27. Take my mum on a spa break
28. Find out more about Ipswich – do the ghost walk, see the museums and parks.
29. Adopt an animal
30. Sponsor a child abroad
31. Go to Paris
32. Learn a recipe from each one of my celebrity cook books.
33. Take photos of all the people and places that mean a lot to me – all the time
34. Keep a journal
35. Learn how to mix cocktails
36. Learn to love myself (typical this was number 36 lol)
37. Try one or all of the folowing scary things: ice skating; skiing; snow-boarding
38. Stay up all night and watch the sun come up. Preferably in the summer, and outside.
39. Go back to Glastonbury
40. Trampoline!

*gulp*

Now I just have to pick one….and do it!

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Fat girl enters a marathon, Atkins, Lighter Life and my ‘annus horriblis’

Cheap-Air-Max-17006Could I really run a marathon? That was the question I pondered to myself after watching some of the London Marathon last weekend. I didn’t think so – I know I certainly couldn’t run 26 miles at the moment and I doubt very much I would be able to do it by next year. I would struggle to run much more than 26 minutes, to be fair.

So I set about Googling, and I Googled assorted daft questions like, “Can you walk the London Marathon?”

Apparently, you can. But you’re likely to incur the wrath of the running fraternity if you do, unless of course you’re dressed up as a giant teddy bear or something. It’s only OK to be slow if you are in a costume. Other than that, walking is seen as a bit of a cop out.

While I was Googling though, I came across the ‘Shine Marathon’, which is a full 26 mile walk through London. In the dark. I could do that, I thought, and of course I signed up, didn’t I? It’s in September so I’m training already and so far my longest walk has been 6.5 miles. I’ve got a long old slog in front of me as even six miles gave me blisters…I need better shoes! I’d love it if you’d sponsor me too…

I’ve had lots of thinking time on my walks so far and I’ve been writing blog posts in my head. And then forgetting them. It’s a bit hard writing them at the moment because I promised not to play the blame game, and it’s true, everything that’s happened has been because of the way I reacted to it. But 2001 really was a shit year. I forgot to mention that I got engaged in 2000, didn’t I? Well I knew he was going to ask me, L more or less told me so I took full advantage and made sure she knew the style I wanted and the ring size. L knew most things about my relationship before I did! We didn’t actually have a plan to get married, we just thought we’d do it when we had saved enough. And when I’d lost weight, naturally.

southbeach

Remember when Atkins was all that people were talking about? That and the South Beach Diet which was just Atkins with a few more veggies thrown in. I tried Atkins for about two days and all the protein made me want to barf. I’m not a low carb kinda girl. I couldn’t really see how any diet that said fruit was a bad thing could be sensible anyway and had plenty of arguments about it on online forums.

In 2001, after being booted out of the job I loved, I went back to work in the design agency where L was now working. This was a BAD move. I’d worked there before and quite liked it, only for about six weeks and as an assistant project manager, so I did quite a few interesting things. When I went back I was depressed, still in shock from being made redundant like that and working as a print manager which was a steep learning curve to say the least. I wasn’t the cheery, happy “I’ll do anything” person I’d been a year or so before, and I didn’t want to be there.

bhp

Happier Days – before being made redundant from Spa Plus

The place seemed oppressive and image-obsessed, and I was the only fat person there. Some of the very well paid directors and account managers tottered around on designer kitten heels trailing clouds of expensive perfume behind them, and were so damn thin it made me feel like an elephant. With my confidence dropping through the floor, I didn’t really make an effort. It was a six month contract, and when it got to the end, they didn’t keep me on. There was no more work for me to do, I wasn’t really surprised, but it was the icing on the cake and I was out of a job properly now.

So, you’d expect that Husband #2 would have been supportive? Nah. He said I needed to pull myself together and sort myself out, blamed me for the fact I’d been dumped out of a job three times in 18 months and said (not for the last time) that I wasn’t the person he’d fallen for and that I seemed to attract bad luck.

I cashed in an old endowment policy (remember those?) and we managed to get by. I was only unemployed for six weeks or so, and I managed to get another job with the University of Cambridge, this time editing submissions for a website aimed at genius kids. It was only three days a week and the money was crap but it was better than benefits so I hauled myself into Cambridge and back (H#2 was still working in Cambridge) and did my bit. The only thing tht kept me going was chatting to the mate who rescued me from Spa Starvation Hell on MSN (from now on I’ll just call him my cheerleader) and the nuts woman I worked with…who was Portuguese I think, talked so fast I could only generally pick up one word in three, and was on some bizarre diet where she drank shakes and ate revolting smelling bars. Lighter Life!!

(This was H#2’s album of choice in the car. Just about summed up 2001!)

Just as things had settled down a bit, a couple of weeks before Christmas 2001, my Nan died. I was heartbroken – despite living 150 miles apart me and Nan had always been close. Christmas was rubbish – I had no money, H#2 was in a bad mood, the fridge broke on Christmas Day and the oven door broke between Christmas and New Year. I spent the whole of Christmas & New Year eating junk food to console myself and was getting close to 15 stone by 2002.

Husband #1’s words came back to haunt me; I once asked him “Would you still love me at 15 stone?” and he said, “Yes, but DON’T!”

I felt just about the size of a bus. I hated how I looked, and I was supposed to be a bridesmaid to L and P in 2002. I had to do SOMETHING.

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